If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
