I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
grandma shit on top of the toilet
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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