I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
