Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
