Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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