Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
