I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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