She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
