she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
