I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
