I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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