Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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