if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
