I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
