just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
