That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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