Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I have aggressive nipples.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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