You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
