I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
