I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize