1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
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That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
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We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.