I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You did what with his pubic hair?
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