she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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