i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
