god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
false alarm, still single
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
