You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
