im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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