The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
