Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Crop dusting thru forever 21
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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