I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
