I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
