I just threw up on my dentist
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
