I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Never joke about your clitoris.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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