I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
