margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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