I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I believe in your delicious
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
