Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think my fart just growled at me.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize