i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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