I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
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Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
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I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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