Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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