Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
