the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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