I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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