Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
