i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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