I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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