Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
