this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
