He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
