so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
