You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
