I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
