Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
