We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
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shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
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How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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