The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
